Terminator vs Jason
by Thor2000
Summary: I originally wanted to do this as a short film, but instead I turned it onto a one-chapter comedy bit with the two beating each other up and a light-hearted bid to the Roseanne series at the end.


Crystal Lake, Connecticut…

Mid-Autumn, about two weeks before Halloween…

It was a few years after the New York incident, the FBI was planning their strike in a few weeks and most of the old Camp Crystal Lake was deserted and in mixed states of restoration and dilapidation. A section of the property was being knocked down for a housing development, while another section had been converted into another smaller camp reserved for younger kids. Bridging the rim of the old camp property beyond the suburban development were cabin-like homes and private residences like the ruins of the home of Tina Shepard, not that she lived here anymore since her supposed encounter with Jason Voorhees, the reputed local boogeyman of these woods. The local town records claimed that Jason had drowned as a child in the lake in 1957 supposedly because the camp counselors weren't paying attention. Local legend claimed his mother brought him back to life using witchcraft, and because of that spell, he now prowled the woods slaying everyone who dared invade or tempt opening the camp. Just who or what the FBI actually took down was a matter of debate, but many Crystal Lake residences did not go out to the camp ground anymore. They believed the ghosts of Jason's victims wandered the woods looking for justice. Tiffany Jenkins did not believe in those stories…

Someone thought: _Why did her name have to be Tiffany? Why couldn't it be Gertrude, Constance, Abigail or Margaret?_

Tiffany Jenkins had decided to stay at her father's hunting cabin to meet up with her boyfriend. It was a big scary two-story cabin, and he was running late. She had showered as she waited for him. Longing for him, she looked out the windows looking for Chad…

Same person: _His name is Chad??_

There was no sign of him. She looked out the windows of the cabin looking for "Chad," but all she saw was dark shadows moving across the property. She rose, turned round and had a faint chance to scream before ducking and diving to the floor. This guy was big. Over six feet tall, covered in several layers of clothes to give him that much larger size, he wore a hockey mask to conceal his decomposed face as he swung the machete, burying it into the bureau under the window. Just why he was so angry no one knew. People had their theories, but he was not angry at all. This was what he did. This is what being animated by dark magic did to him. It made him possessed. It made him kill anything and everything except the truly innocent… His name was Jason Voorhees, and he found his next quarry…

_This is what I do_… Jason's scrambled mind thought. _I have to do it… for mother…_

Tiffany ran screaming from the house in her plaid shirt and blue jeans into the woods. She was screaming her head off. Her voice was echoing for miles, but there was no one to hear her. The next resident was almost a mile away, and the new camp even further down the highway. Tiffany tore through the woods around trees and bushes, fallen logs and gnarled branches half buried in the woods. In her panic, she bounced off a dead sycamore… a jutting twig catching on her shirt and ripping it off her Playboy centerfold figure. She had a very full figure.

_Why do these girls always lose their clothes?_ Jason just casually followed her. _My god, sometimes I think my life is a really bad horror flick!_

Bouncing through the woods in her bra, Tiffany rushed lost and confused trying to reach the highway. She had to find someone to help her. She was getting to get killed if she didn't get away. She nearly stumbled into the gully, scrambling and panicking in the fallen leaves and years of mulch to get away. Tiffany's torn jeans were caught on a broken branch buried in the soft earth. Pulling herself up to save her life, she accidentally pulled herself right out of her jeans, she was now in her bra and panties and running through the woods for her life. At least she had her running shoes on. Although Jason was barely running, he was getting close…

_Slow and steady wins the race_. Jason was coming…

That's when he arrived. Little sparks of light from out of the air, popping balls of force cast in the wind as the atmosphere was affected by the chronal energies being disturbed. Lightning and static energy cracked and cracked again, taking the shape of a round sphere. It was briefly just energy, but then it started becoming something more… a device for traveling through time… a large huddled muscular figure of a man in the nexus of this scene of blowing wind, crackling electricity, leaves blowing and ambient heat scorching the ground under him. He opened his eyes and began lifting his tall naked frame.

If Jason could see him, his first thought would be: _Why is this guy naked? Is my life a porn flick or something? _

He was Terminator. He was an android from the future designed by man in a future society to be used in war to spare human soldiers, but a rogue computer virus… maybe some nascent computer intelligence, had taken possession of him to prepare the way for computers to take over the planet. He was here to prepare the way. He was here to eliminate the human agents that would prevent the end of the world. He scanned the area for life forms and saw the scantly clad girl running from the guy in the hockey mask. Going by his computer sensors, her male antagonist was colder than a normal. He was biological, but he was animated… with a very sickly green illumination on the heat spectrum. He was not wholly human… Terminator started forward to investigate this scene… but as he moved forward a body fell out of the tree.

It was "Chad." Strung up by his jumper cables, the lug wrench buried lengthwise through his skull and sticking out through the middle of his eyes. Terminator scanned him with his positronic brain…

[] Identification: Human (Male)

[] Height: Five Foot Eleven Inches

[] Weight: Two hundred and thirty five pounds

[] Heart Beat: None

[] Pulse: None

[] Diagnosis: One dead son-of-a…

Tiffany was nearing the perimeter of the camp when she saw the figure in the distance. She looked back to Jason coming after her and rushed to this sole sight of life she had seen. She skidded to a stop as Jason nearly grabbed her and summoned her last ounce of energy to run even more. Her heart was pounding, her head was rushing, she needed help!!!

"You've got to help me!!!" She grabbed and reached to Terminator now clad in Chad's clothes. "He's going to kill me. He's going to… Hey, Chad has a jacket just like…"

"I'm looking for Sarah Conner." Terminator spoke with an Austrian accent.

"Who? What? I don't know a…" Tiffany was desperate. "Do you have a car?! Look, this guy is going to…" She looked again as Jason came out of nowhere. He raised that machete…

And Terminator smacked it out of the air with the bloody lug wrench. Jason looked at his empty hand, turned back to Terminator with his head at a puzzled angle and then felt the skull crunch of android head meeting hockey mask. It wasn't enough to knock him down, but it fazed him a bit. Jason just staggered a bit, clumsily backing a bit and quickly regathered his bearings. The big guy with the Austrian accent had carried off the brunette. Jason disgustedly and aggravatedly raised his shoulders up and down ready to kill…

_I'm going to annihilate this wanna-be Arnold Schwarzenegger…._

"I need a weapon…" Terminator carried Tiffany back to her family cabin.

"My dad is a cop…" Tiffany flicked on the light to her father's study. "He's got a lot of guns…" She flicked on the light as Terminator crashed his hands through the glass of the gun case and took the twelve-gage shotgun. He looked it over and cocked it to shoot on sight.

"This is good…."

Jason smashed through the window and landed on him, grabbing his head and twisting it backwards with a loud crunch. When the big guy went down, he stood on his feet, stood before Tiffany and redid that same frustrated pose of annoyance ready to bounce her off the walls. Tiffany bolted from the room to race upstairs. Behind them, Terminator rose up off the floor, his head twisting back around to where it should be.

"This guy is starting to get on my nerves…."

Upstairs, Tiffany barricaded her bedroom door and rushed to her window, but Jason pounded against the door, breaking it open and pushing his large frame through it. His partially naked prey started reaching for the window, but he grabbed her foot and started pulling her back. The twelve-gage was lifted to his head…

"Let the girl go…" Terminator blasted him in the head and dropped the undead serial killer with a loud explosion of buckshot. Tiffany saw the whole thing. Jason was down. She jumped up to thank her rescuer.

"Thank you… thank you…"

"I'm looking for Sarah Conner…"

"I don't know a…" She reached to pull on sweat pants then started screaming. Jason sat up on the floor. Terminator looked back to him.

"You've got to be kidding me…" He shot him again and Jason fell back over. Tiffany watched stunned.

"He won't be back…" Terminator spoke. Jason sat up again.

"You've really got to be kidding me…" Terminator lifted Tiffany up as she struggled to pull a t-shirt over her large breasts. He carried her down stairs and through the kitchen, kicking out the backdoor to Tiffany's car. Its hood was open to expose the damage Jason had done to it. Cables and wires were pulled out and slashed. He put Tiffany down to view the vandalism and reload the rifle.

"This is one seriously screwed up psychopath…"

Jason crashed through the window and landed standing to face off on this android. Tiffany jumped in the car and locked the door to protect herself. She watched the spectacle as the guy in the hockey mask fought with the guy in the leather jacket and sunglasses. There was nothing Jason could do to this guy to take him out. He pounded, kicked, punched and swatted like an annoying kid trying to beat up a football college kid. All he could do was knock those glasses off. Terminator tossed him off and bounced him off the house, but before Jason could react, Terminator blasted him again. Knocked off his feet, Jason reached for the axe for chopping wood and plunged it into the android's chest at fifteen feet. The huge android didn't go down.

"You are really starting to tick me off…" Terminator blasted him with the gun again with both barrels then pulled the axe out before quickly starting to reload.

Jason wondered: _Why can't I knock this guy out? He's taking my best stuff!!_

He lay dead for a few minutes. He heard the big idiot coming through the gravel and grass coming closer and closer. Without moving, he looked up to the huge figure of the android looming down over him with a laser coming down from his left eye and that gun on steroids at his chest.

"Do me a favor…" The android spoke. "Don't get up." He blasted him point blank to the chest. Jason rattled from the shot.

Kicking the body a few times, Terminator scanned the body:

[] Identification: Animated Human (Male)

[] Height: Six Foot Three Inches

[] Weight: Three hundred and ten pounds

[] Heart Beat: None

[] Pulse: None

[] Diagnosis: Deader than a door nail…

"He won't be back…" He returned to Tiffany and replaced his glasses.

"Yes, he will, he always does!!!" She screamed at him from inside the car.

"I said he won't be back…."

"But he always comes back…"

"I said he won't be back…"

"You don't know this guy…"

"When I say he won't be back, I say he won't be back…"

Jason popped up and cracked Terminator over the head with a croquet mallet.

"Okay, now you've really got to be kidding me!!" He tried to rearm the rifle, but Jason grabbed the barrel and started striking him over the head with it over and over and over… On the next strike, he caught the gun again and grabbed Jason by the neck, pulling him back and pounding his head face first into the engine block. Tiffany huddled in the car as the two powerhouses fought around the car like two arrogant wrestlers refusing to stop fighting until someone went down and stayed down. Jason was clocked upside the head, Terminator was socked to the jaw, Jason was impaled on the fence, Terminator was pounded with a rock… it just kept going.

"I don't have time for this…" The huge android reached into his exposed body circuitry and pulled out the signal circuit which had moved him through time. He adjusted it, set it and plunged it deep into Jason's rotted chest. Jason paused looking down at it. What was that thing? He felt electricity crackling through him and then everything around him turning to chaos…

"This time… he really won't be back…" Terminator announced to Tiffany as Jason vanished into a portal through time. The Crystal Lake Slasher was falling through time, he was going back in time, he was going back to another time…

"Hey, hockey star…" Ash Williams was passing him in limbo…"Want to get out of the way?!"

Jason watched the other character vanishing back through time. Limbo then erupted with light and Jason found himself back in the woods around Crystal Lake, but it was day. The camp was whole and filled with kids and teenagers drinking beer. The sun was high in the sky as kids canoed and rushed to archery. Everything seemed newer, younger…The counselors were having fun too. Instead of watching the kids swimming, two of them were behind the cabin having sex on a blanket over the ground. Jason picked up the axe from the wood-chopping stump and chopped through them as if they were cordwood. That's when the screaming began. Jason lifted his head and saw himself as a kid. He was eight years old… a misfortunate kid with a large deformed kid teased by other kids who tormented him down the dock and pushed him into the water. It was the Sixties again, and deep in Jason's addled deteriorated brain, he realized why he drowned. Not because the counselors were having sex, but because he had traveled back in time and killed the counselors…

_Son of a freaking…._

Back in the present, Terminator was still looking for Sarah Conner and was looking for her in Langford, Illinois. He walked up to the home of the Connor family and knocked on the door. Coming to the door was Darlene Connor, the sarcastic middle child of Dan and Roseanne Connor. She was kind of hot at eighteen with her long dark curly hair and bosom jutting out from under her sweater. Barely intrigued, she looked up at the big guy with the rifle wearing leather barely expressing emotion.

"I'm looking for Sarah Conner." Terminator spoke with an Austrian accent.

Darlene grinned that smarmy sarcastic grin.

"Would you settle for Becky Connor?"

END


End file.
